Ever since I was a teenager, I idolized pregnancy and bringing children into this world. I always wanted to have lots of babies, because I would have someone around that would love me unconditionally, that I could also love unconditionally.
You see, there's this funny thing about me – I have big feelings. A huge heart. Lots of love to give. But I'm afraid to give it because of how many times I've been hurt by those I've loved. Or loved and lost. So naturally, I wanted to have kids so I could love love love and feel loved too.
My teenage self knew better than to have kids when I was too young though. I also had big dreams of moving across the world, paving a new future for myself in the United States, having a career, meeting the man of my dreams, becoming wealthy and breaking out of the poverty cycle my parents were in.... Yeah, lots of stuff. A pipe dream was also playing for the NHL one day but I simply wasn't disciplined enough. The other stuff – I'm pretty close to getting it all.
I dated a guy in high school. I thought it was love. Maybe it was, "puppy love" of sorts. He was head over heels for me. I was also his first and I do believe men feel with their peckers when they're that age. He wanted to marry me, I wanted to have fun and meet other guys and explore. I broke his heart by moving closer to my dreams. But I did often dream about accidentally finding out I'm having a baby with him.
Then, I did an exchange year in the United States, and met the guy (we'll call him the Mainer) that transformed the way I respond to people. The timeline between the two guys was sometime in midst of the exchange year, but I dated this one for almost six years. I thought I was in love. I was stuck in a circle from hell. See, just about everyone that knew we were in a relationship thought we were the perfect couple, and often told me what beautiful babies we'd make one day. In reality, he was an abusive narcissist that cheated on me for five and a half years. I escaped sans the STI's he passed on to some of the other girls he was sleeping with at the end there. Nevertheless, when things were really bad and we'd fight, I'd sometimes dream about a baby with him coming in and magically healing our relationship. Getting him to really love me and appreciate me because of what an amazing mom I am to our child. Getting him to stop drinking (and driving drunk) and become more responsible, and so on and so forth. Because of him I finally learned to and started trusting my gut.... and because of him I stopped trusting people and became somewhat of a cynic. All the emotional abuse I endured with him telling me how worthless I am and how I'm never going to amount to anything – it pushed me to push myself more. It also left me with some serious emotional damage that really only rears its ugly head when I'm completely emotionally exhausted. I did, however, realize that he probably wouldn't change, even for a child... and I was okay with the idea of being a single mom. As long as I could have a baby to love and be loved by.
When I escaped the Mainer, going to the one state he loathed – New Jersey – I swore off dating and men, and was totally content with the idea of playing for the other team. My own team. I had dabbled some in my teenage years, so it was no shock to my system. At this point, I was 23 years old. I also thought I would never meet any decent guy ever again because you only meet datable cute guys in high school and college. Laughing out loud now, since about a month after moving, I met someone. I resisted going out with him and his advances, he wasn't even my "type", not that I knew what my type was. He was sweet, though, and a close friend encouraged me to go out with him, "even if it's just for some free dinner and drinks." Little did I know that I would realize during our first real date that this was the guy I was bound to marry and spend the rest of my life with. Funny how things work out. But was this the typical "we met, we got married, had beautiful babies, and lived happily ever after in our white picket fence house" story? Not in the slightest.
Thanksgiving Eve 2015
Mike had just started a restaurant. He was depleting all his resources really quickly, because he didn't really know what he was getting himself into. His world was caving in. He was 33, living with his parents, and the parents were about to sell the house and move an hour and a half south. Mike was about to be homeless with a failing new restaurant. I felt his struggle and wanted to help. He asked me early on what I thought about having kids, and I always told him the same thing – I want kids but not now. Mike and I quickly became best friends. We helped each other grow, and we both put in a lot of time building a life together. The failing restaurant became a grand success that catapulted us into opening two more restaurants and buying property. I eventually got so burned out from the restaurant world, I wanted an out. We were married by then and I started to suspect that this life would never change. We'd always be stuck working crazy hours, hustling... being the psychiatrists to adult employees. "The dream." I started to feel unloved and unlovable, since he let me suffer alongside him. I got so upset and felt like I was never ever ever going to have kids. That was the point we got a cat (ha). A couple years passed and I was building a career away from his businesses, and really thriving. My mind and body were aching for a baby though. I still felt like Mike never wanted to have kids but at the end of 2020 we made the mutual decision that it was time to start trying. He assured me that he too had been waiting for a better time where things were more stabile and put it off so we can have more flexibility.
When we started trying, I felt like my body was broken. Month after month of negative tests hurt. I thought I was infertile. I thought I waited too long (I was 30), I did everything wrong, and so on and so forth. Meanwhile, EVERYONE around me was getting pregnant. It kept coming closer and closer. I saw announcements from people I didn't know but followed on social media. Then acquaintances. Then some friends. Every time I found out someone else was pregnant I was angry, disappointed, and sad. I couldn't feel happy for them because it was all I ever wanted but it wasn't happening for us! And it was people closer and closer and closer... One day, I went to the local watering hole to sit down with a friend, have some burgers and beer. One of the bartenders I was friendly with came and sat down with us and told me the news that "pull and pray" didn't work – he was having a baby with his girlfriend. I wanted to cry. Never met his girlfriend, but I hated her. HATED HER. Cause how could she? They didn't even want it! Then the next day, I found out another friend in that same friend circle was having an unplanned baby with his girlfriend. I cried and cried and cried. I don't think my husband really understood what was going on. We had tried for 8 months. I tracked my cycle, used all the ovulation sticks in the world. I felt like it was hopeless. Until... it wasn't.
The infamous "yellow party," July 24th, 2022
We had fun on our anniversary. That day, it happened to also be a full moon. I manifested a healthy happy baby (and yes, I believe in manifesting things with the universe's help). A few weeks later, hell broke loose at work, my boss was on vacation and everyone came to me to fix their problems. I felt uncontrollably emotional. Me, who never cries, felt like leaving work early so I could cry crocodile tears in peace. My work bestie took me out to dinner that night. I had fried chicken sliders and a glass of red wine – my usual at that spot. But it tasted different...
The first thing I did when I got home was take a pregnancy test. It was one of those electronic ones that just display "yes" or "no" on the screen. It was a solid "yes" within a minute. I called my husband and told him he needs to come home. He said, "The only reason why you'd ask me to come home like this is if you're pregnant. Are you?" I sent him a picture of the test. He responded with "oh my God, I'm on my way" and half hour later, he got home, we hugged, I took another test, and it was another positive. This time I wanted to cry from happiness!
August 4th, 2022
The next morning I set my first appointment for an ultrasound.
I'd call this quite an amazing chronicle of events!